UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Sunday, June 9, 2024, 03:46:59 (UTC)

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”

~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:

The 43 Lost Proverbs

1. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
2. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
3. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
4. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
5. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
6. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
7. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
8. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
9. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
10. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
11. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
12. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
13. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
14. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
15. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
16. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
17. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
18. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
19. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
20. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
21. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
22. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
23. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
24. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
25. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
26. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
27. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
28. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
29. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
30. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
31. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
32. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
33. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
34. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
35. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
36. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
37. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
38. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
39. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
40. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
41. To complement lithium, is to complement grotesquely
42. To complement lithium, is to complement {{adv})
43. Queen Elizabeth I is a real peach.

Sources

• the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.